Calling Yourself Benedict Doesn't Make You A Nice Guy

For all of you who are just as upset as I am by the results of the Papal election today, I offer the following to take your mind off of it: The Cog

I have graciously called Joseph on the phone, and have conceded the election and congratulated him on his ascent to the papacy. I am, however, very upset at the potential for harm to the Church (and not just the Roman one, either) this pope might have.

For any disaffected Roman Catholics out there who may be reading this and bemoaning your new pope, just remember... The Episcopal Church Welcomes You! (Rowan [the ABC] may be a druid, but at least he's nice.)

Some People Shouldn't Be Allowed to Procreate

Well, it's official. Brit-Brit is preggers! An official announcement was made on Britney Spears' fan website that she and new hubby Kevin Federline are expecting their first baby. Well, their first one together... I mean, with each other. Kevin, of course has like 5 with 5 other women. And those are just the ones we know about.

I have to say, this announcement troubles me on a number of different levels. If we thought that Britney was a poor role model for our young girls, I can't imagine she'll be much better for young mothers. And can we talk about her husband? Does it not disturb anyone (especially Britney) that his former girlfriend was pregnant with his child when he and Brit-Brit tied the knot? And on top of all that, he's one of her backup dancers! Have we learned nothing from J-Lo?!?! This travesty is just doomed from the beginning. But at least they're not making it into a reality TV show... oh, wait! They are!

I think one of my friends from college said it best: "You should have to take a test to get your ovaries." Maybe Britney will get a good nanny... Lord knows she can afford it.

Habemus Papam

"The Pope is dead! Long live the Pope!!" I think that's what they should shout instead of "Habemus Papam!" when they elect a new pope. It's certainly catchier.

So, I've decided that I need to be the next pope. "But, Chris," you say, "you are Episcopalian, not Roman Catholic." Yes this would seem to be a problem for me, wouldn't it? According to canon law, however, any baptized man (sorry ladies) may be considered for the position of pontifex maximus. So I think I need to give the cardinals a call and let them know that I would like to have myself considered when they go into the conclave on April 18.

Here is a short list of characteristics that I think qualify me to be the next Bishop of Rome:

1) I love Jesus. It's true. I really do. You can ask Him yourself. He'll tell you so.
2) I actually enjoy the sermons (most of the time) when I go to church. Under normal circumstances this would be an indication of mental illness, but considering the position I'm applying for, it's something that should be emphasized.
3) I'm a uniter, not a divider. I like to run things on a live-and-let-live basis. You want to ordain women? Fine with me! You don't like the gays? OK, but don't get mad when other people get promoted over you. Of course this does have its limits... I will send the Swiss Guard after you if you piss me off. None of this 'loving my enemies' crap.
4) I look good in white. Seriously, I do. That's not a look many people can pull off. I think it has something to do with my naturally dark complexion. Although the wool cassock has to go... I mean, honestly: it's Rome- it's freakin' hot there! Can I see something in seersucker?
5) I am already infallible. I don't make mistakes. Ever. And I don't have to sit in a big, fancy chair for it to work, either.

I will be including all these points in my cover letter to the College of Cardinals. Please send your references c/o Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger to the Vatican.

Faithfully,
Pope Christopher I (Yes, I'm keeping my real name)

Hiatus

Well, it's been a long time since I last made an entry on my blog, but I'm going to do my best to start it back up again. It may not be a regular thing for a while (my thesis is still under construction), but we'll see what happens. Now my friends will finally have something to distract their attention away from matters of state to read the borderline psychotic ramblings of an unemployed grad student.

How to Spot a Tourist

If you live in the Washington, D.C. area, you know the trials and tribulations of dealing with that dread year-round plague... tourists. Now there is nothing wrong with a healthy love of your country and a desire to visit your nation's capitol. But I think I speak for everyone else in the District of Columbia Metropolitan area when I say, just stay away from us.

Not all tourists carry giant cameras around their necks or walk around with that glazed look on their faces, though, so it can be difficult to stay out of their way. For those of you new to the area, I have assembled this handy guide for how to identify and thus avoid tourists.

1) 8th Graders: In the spring months, D.C. is inundated with 8th Graders. At some point during the 80's it became fashionable for 8th grade classes to take a trip to the nation's capitol. And since it's too cold during the winter months, once it starts warming up, they descend en masse upon us. I have nothing against 8th graders- my oldest nephews are both in the 8th grade. But when you're trying to get to a meeting or a class using the Metro, it is most nerve-wracking.

2) Nylon track suits: This is the hallmark of the D.C. tourist. If you see a group of five people walking toward you, all of them wearing nylon track suits, run the other way... they are tourists. I believe these are the choice because they are lightweight and breathable, yet provide comfort and protection throughout the changing weather in this area. You should be particularly wary of families wearing matching track suits.

3) Adults with Backpacks: This is a dead giveaway. Not even students at one of the 6 universities in the District wear backpacks outside of their campuses. Tourists seem to think that when they are trekking around the Nation's Capitol, they need to pack for Armageddon. Even though all of the museums and attractions are free, they still feel the need to pack food for the day.

4) Talking on the Metro: Tourists don't seem to understand that for most Washingtonians, Metro time is personal time. Depending on where they hail from in the country (or the world) they may attempt to strike up conversations with strangers on the train. This is most unwelcome, but it is easily avoided by always carrying a book and/or iPod with you so that you don't have to pay attention to them. A corollary to this is not understanding the farecard turnstile. Tourists are also easily spotted because they cannot figure out how to purchase and/or use a Metro farecard. Beware! They will ask you for assistance!

And in Not-So-Local News

Well, this snowy Thursday is a pretty slow news day, except for deaths and natural disasters. And I am not a completely evil human being, so I'm not going to make fun of that. But here are a couple of attempts at levity this morning.

First, the country may be looking to Utah for it's new healthcare policy. Now, I'm no expert of matters of national healthcare, far from it. But I do have to say that I find it difficult to believe that no one in the government sees the truth behind this so-called revolutionary model of public healthcare. Clearly, it is a plot by our old friends the Mormons. I don't know if you know this, but some Mormons actually have a term for running state-run programs into the ground. It's called "bleeding the beast." Numbers have been declining in this country for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and they need a new gimmick. All I'm saying is that if this goes national, we are going to have healthy Mormons running around everywhere, and they will take over. Think about it.

Next, for the love all that is holy; can we go one day without seeing Paris Hilton's emaciated face on our television screens? I mean, I can't, but that's because I bought a copy of that video that got released a couple years ago. But honestly, she's just not a quality human being. And her cell phone got hacked into and all her little rich-and-beautiful twit friends have their information spread around on the internet. Now they all have to get their significantly underpaid personal assistants to run down to the Verizon store and get new numbers. "I don't know why this stuff always happens to me," said Hilton. Because you're a f*cking idiot, that's why! Why can't some people just stop being popular?

Finally, this isn't really a news story, but it's a great image. This comes from President Bush's trip to Slovakia this week. I am friends with a couple of Slovaks, and they are wonderful people, but I would never do this upon first meeting. I wonder how Laura feels about this:

Bush in Slovakia

Vincent D'Onofrio Un-fan Club

Some friends of mine and I were having a discussion about the television show, Law & Order, which by all accounts is a fine piece of drama. The original series and "SVU" are both quite good (in spite of Ice T), however, we all expressed a certain amount of discomfort with "Criminal Intent," largely due to the casting of Vincent D'Onofrio as Detective Robert Goren. We find him annoying, condescending, a know-it-all, and honestly a little creepy. Make that a lot creepy. When he makes eye contact with the camera, it really appears as though he is just staring through you, plotting the many ways he could kill you without anyone knowing it. And apparently, he had to take time off from the show due to "exhaustion." Honestly, Vince... turn down the intensity a couple of notches and you wouldn't have these problems.

Vincent D'Onofrio

Having taken our stand on this issue, my friends Meri, Cyanne and I would like to invite you to join our letter-writing campaign to get Vincent D'Onofrio fired from Law & Order: Criminal Intent. Address your correspondence to Jeff Zucker, President NBC Universal Television Group.


It's not that often I find a cause I can get behind. I think this one is worth the effort. This has been a public service announcement from the Vincent D'Onofrio Un-fan Club.

Thank Who It's Friday?

Well, I have arrived on the threshold of a new weekend, and yet again I am exhausted beyond all measure. I can't even take pleasure in the fact that it is a long weekend (thank God for Federal holidays), because all weekend long I will have to pretend to be nice to people I've never met before and probably will never see again.

So, that being said, I will not be posting again until Monday. In order to keep you entertained, I will leave you all with some funny internet links that have come my way in the last week. Enjoy.

Baby Got Book

Sesame Street Gets High

And In Other News

It's Thursday, and that means it's time for Know Your Current Events:

PBS is taking flak from Conservatives. Now I am conservative, comparatively speaking. I generally do not make apologies for this, because I know and my friends know that I am not insane. I think we all know that when the media says "Conservatives" these days, they really mean the Religious Right (you know, Jerry Fallwell and his minions). Apparently, the "Conservatives" are concerned that Public Broadcasting is taking too liberal of a turn. 'Buster' the cartoon rabbit, apparently has lesbian rabbit parents. This just smacks of Tinky-Winky and Spongebob to me. But because the Republicans feel like they have to keep the Christian Coalition vote in their back pocket, they'll do just about anything to get reelected. That includes shutting down Public Broadcasting, eliminating free educational television, and putting hundreds of TV chefs out of work. I mean, that's the only reason I watch PBS.

In Berlin today, George Michael announced his retirement from pop music. And the world struggles to give a damn. Seriously George, you are 41 years old and you haven't been controversial in like 15 years. It's time for you to move on. George was quoted as saying that "the genre [of pop music] is just dead as far as [he's] concerned." Well, George, maybe that's because the consumers of pop music are too young to know who the hell you are! I mean, when was the last time George Michael put out an album that people just had to have? I think I was like 3 years old. And now that his singing career is mercifully over, he claims that he will attempt to write songs for other people. What poor soul's career is he going to derail with his "ballads"? I personally vote Clay Aiken on this one.

TFA

I applied and interviewed a couple of years ago to be a part of Teach for America. After reading this article from my favorite news source, The Onion, I am glad that they rejected me.

Now, I have several friends that could not be happier with the work they are doing and the impact they are having as part of the TFA corps. So, this isn't to denigrate the organization or my friends, but I have to say, I could not do it. I don't know that I could handle a class full of 8 year-olds, underpriviledged or not, without cracking a few skulls in the process.

Kudos to you, TFA-ers. Especially those of you that are still at it.

On a completely random note, Carlee, a German Shorthaired Pointer won Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show last night.

The End is Near

So, I'll be graduating in May, and must (if only for a time) rejoin the "real world." And of course, the best part about it is that I'll have a big, pretty piece of paper to hang on my wall, but I will be qualified to do just about nothing.

So, if anyone has any bright ideas about what I can do for a year before I return to the world of academia (which is about as far from the "real world" as anyone can be), I would be much obliged. By the way, I prefer ideas for legal and reputable employment. I know there are many things I could do, but that are against my religion. You perverts...

Happy Freakin' Valentine's Day

So, I don't understand why no one seems to see the truth behind Valentine's Day. And no, I am not talking about that whole "holiday invented by Hallmark and Hersey's" thing. I am talking about something much more sinister, much more dangerous; something that could cause our way of life to crumble around our ears.

Year after year, candy sales see progressive increases. Every February 14, the majority of the population is sitting around, fat and happy, in a chocolate-, wine- and love-induced coma. Except no one seems to realize that this is exactly what they want to happen. No one seems aware that this is the time they wait for. While everyone is sitting around basking in the ignorance of their love, they will attack. Who is "they", you ask? Why, the Communists of course. Why do you think all the decorations on this day are red?

Think about it...

Best In Show

Allow me to preface this post by saying that I am obsessed with dog shows (almost as much as with Mormons). I make no apologies for it. I am not ashamed of it. It is part of who I am. Last night, I watched the "National Championship" Eukanuba Cup on Animal Planet. I cannot wait until I have a place of my own so that I can have a dog.

Since I am in dog show mode today, I think I'll give you some little-known facts about dog shows:

First (I am not making this up), you have the ball-grab. Dog shows started because wealthy dog owners wanted to find the best specimens of their particular breeds, so that they could mate those dogs with their own and enhance the performance of the breed. So when judging a male dog, the judge must grab the testicles to make sure that they are intact and that the dog is able to breed. You have to wonder about someone that gets excited about this job...

Next, it is apparently a requirement for female dog show judges to wear skirt suits. And not just any skirt suits, either. They must be formal, ankle-length, and the sportcoat must have Bea Arthur style shoulder pads and as many beads and sequins as possible. In fact, I believe that the rating system for judges of dog shows is based on how many shiny things you can attach to your clothing.

Finally, black tie is always optional. When the camera pans out into the crowd, you see a motley crew of spectators. Many are wearing the finest tuxedos and evening gowns (with beads and sequins of course) money can buy. These are the owners of the dogs. Then behind them, you have the rabble that just walked in off the street wearing coveralls and NASCAR T-shirts because they missed the tractor pull and wanted to take advantage of their rain-check tickets.

Candidates for funniest breed name: Bracco Italiano, Petit Basset Griffon Vendeen, Affenpinscher, Hovawart, Mexican Hairless

Good Ole New Jersey

I have to say that my favorite movie of 2004 has to be Garden State, written by, directed by and starring Zach Braff (of Scrubs fame). The first time I watched this movie, I rather enjoyed it. The second time I watched it, I realized how incredibly well-done it is. My favorite moment of the movie is when Andrew Largeman (Zach Braff) realizes that the course of his entire life was determined by a 4-inch piece of plastic. How many times have I thought about what life would be like if I had done some small thing differently? Well, in short, you must rent or purchase Garden State immediately!

Zach Braff, Natalie Portman and Peter Sarsgaard

Lazy Friday Afternoon

So I have decided this glorious Friday that I am just too tired to write anything witty. So I will leave you with the following side-by-side image of Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford and Michael Jackson's mugshot. To get the full impact you really must go out and rent Mommie Dearest:

Joan and Michael

Disturbing, isn't it?

Know Your Current Events

A la David Letterman, every Thursday will be "Know Your Current Events" Day. I will pick the best headlines of the day and comment on them.

First up, Prince Charles will marry Camilla Parker Bowles. Ok, first of all, look at the two of them. They have faces only the Queen Mother could love, and she's passed on, God rest her soul. Who else would have them?? But seriously, I'm happy for them. I'm glad she won't be called Queen Camilla. That sounds like a villain in a kid's book or something. The Archbishop of Canterbury has said he will bless their civil marriage, which is a huge deal. A divorced and remarried monarch- and "Head of the Church"- in England? This has abdication written all over it.

Next, North Korea announces that they have nuclear weapons. No... seriously? Please, we've known that North Korea has been working on nukes since the George H. W. Bush administration. No one is shocked about this. The interesting thing will be to see if we divert some of our (meaning the U.S.') efforts against Iran toward North Korea. While I don't entirely trust Iran, the last time we caught them working on a nuke program they relented without a fight. I don't think we can say the same for North Korea this time around.

On the lighter side of things, a Cub Scout in Pennsylvania sold a record $25,006 worth of popcorn, which amounts to about 10 tons. And people still wonder why America is so fat. Can you image the sheer volume of 10 tons of popcorn? Sheesh. Well, all I have to say is that the Girl Scouts now have their work cut out for them if they want to keep up with the Boy Scouts. I am more than happy to contribute to this cause. I'll take 3 boxes of Thin Mints, 2 boxes of Tagalongs and 1 box of Samoas (Coconut gives me gas).

Some thoughts on my personality

So back in college, the Career Services Office- powered by Sandi George Useless and her minions- made me take that Myers-Briggs thing for like the millionth time in an effort to see what career I'm best suited for. Man were those predictions way off, but anyway.

I was revisiting my personality type, which happens to be ENFJ. I have recently been mulling over (and lamenting) my seeming lack of ability to keep my room and my workspaces clean. I mean, I'm not living in squalor or anything, but I can't seem to get my room to the point where you can actually see the carpet (which I think is blue, but it's been a while). And then I re-read my Myers-Briggs type analysis by Joe Butt (*heehee*), and the following made so much sense to me:

ENFJs are, by definition, Js, with whom we associate organization and decisiveness. But they don't resemble the SJs or even the NTJs in organization of the environment nor occasional recalcitrance. ENFJs are organized in the arena of interpersonal affairs. Their offices may or may not be cluttered, but their conclusions (reached through feelings) about people and motives are drawn much more quickly and are more resilient than those of their NFP counterparts.

So there you have it. Apparently, I make complete sense psychologically. And to think I once cursed Mr. Myers and Mr. Briggs for coming up with their personality inventory. Now if we could just get to the bottom of my abandonment issues and my fear of being alone, I might resemble a normal human being :^P Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to throw some more papers on the floor and go not be recalcitrant.

Some famous ENFJs: King David, Ronald Reagan, Ross Perot, Francois Mitterand, Oprah Winfrey, Peyton Manning, and (my hero) Sean Connery.

It's Mardi Gras!

So my days of celebrating Mardi Gras with daquiris from the St. Charles Bar and Grill in New Orleans are pretty much over, but I refuse to let this kill my celebratory spirit. No more will I wander the streets of the French Quarter searching for my friends... no more will I wake up in the morning and not be 100% sure about where I am. Ahh... some days I long for good ol' Rhodes. Then I realize... no, I don't.

On a more pious note... I have decided that one of my Lenten disciplines this year is going to be no caffeine or carbonated beverages. If I am grumpy or otherwise mean to you in the next few weeks, please do not take it personally.

Oh, and I had my first meeting today about writing my Master's thesis. This is some scary sh*t I'm about to commit myself to. Wow.

Just one of those days...

Do you ever have one of those days where you want to stay in bed all day? Well, today is one of those days for me. Unfortunately, that is not an option, because I have a paper due at 7pm tonight, and have to work on it for the rest of the day. Hooray for having things due in the first week of class! And I think I've decided I'm going to skip my afternoon class today. It's just not necessary as far as I'm concerned. Ok... that's as much time as I can waste today. Maybe I'll have something more fun tomorrow.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

I am obsessed with the Mormons. This is a fairly recent phenomenon. I had several Mormon friends in high school, and never really thought twice about it. Back then I was a Baptist, and was pretty sure they were going to hell anyway, so why be concerned about it? Well now as a good Episcopalian seminarian, I am just completely fascinated with their theology. I mean seriously... where did Joseph Smith get this stuff?! Especially their doctrine of the Trinity... wow.

But the purpose of this post is not Mormon-bashing. I spent quite some time perusing the LDS website the other day, and I highly recommend it if you're bored sometime. I have also decided that I must see the inside of one of the temples. We unbelievers are allowed to enter the temples before they are consecrated during an "open house." There is a brand new temple in San Antonio and I have decided that I need to see this place during the open house in April. I need to get to work on that.

Side Note: David Sedaris will be in D.C. soon. The bad news? Tickets are $30... ouch.

Abandon All Hope

So, I've decided to start up a Blog again, and hopefully I'll be better about keeping it current. It should come in handy when I need procrastination or a means to pass the time during bouts of insomnia.