Know Your Current Events: Pet Lovers(?) Edition

In honor of the Swine Flu not-yet-an-epidemic, I thought I'd bring you a Know Your Current Events for all the weird animal news of the past few days.

First of all, to all of you that are worried about your bacon at breakfast and your pork chops at dinner:

You cannot get Swine Flu from eating pork! It is a respiratory illness, NOT a gastro-intestinal one. Dumbasses.

Ok, moving on to more important matters...

First up, South Korean scientists have, through the miracle of cloning, created glow-in-the-dark puppies. NO. FREAKIN'. WAY. What kind of deposit to I have to put down on the next litter of Ruppies?! It's like having your very own superhero dog. "Oh, it's so dark and scary. Who will help us?" I know... my FREAKIN' glow-in-the-freakin'-dark DOG, that's who!! The scientist that made this amazing breakthrough said, "What's significant in this work is not the dogs expressing red colors but that we planted genes into them." No, what's significant is that you got a freakin' dog to glow without the aid of nuclear waste!! Finally, someone using their powers for awesome! I hope it's not like those glow stick things you get at the fair, though. Where the glow from the chemicals starts to wear off, and you have to put them in the freezer to keep them glowing for longer. Somehow, I don't think the dogs would last too long in the freezer.

Lots of dog-related stories this week, including one in which a couple's Chihuahua was picked up by a tornado and dropped off over a mile away (that's approximately 15 leagues for us normal-sized human beings).

::Takes off glasses, pinches bridge of nose.:: Where to begin?

First of all, if you had bothered to get a real dog, this never would have been an issue. C'mon... a Chihuahua? You don't even live in a city!! There are no space constraints. If your pissant dog can get picked up by a strong gust of wind and hurled into the woods, you have plenty of room for a medium to large dog! Second, what the crap kind of "display" were you erecting* that was so important it couldn't wait until after the tornado-inducing STORM. I get that tornados are unpredictable; they used to blow past my house all the time. But you're pretty much aware there's a storm coming before it gets to the tornado stage. Take your damned "dog" inside! Finally... a pet psychic? Really? You couldn't just put up flyers like everyone else? I mean, I'm glad the woman and her husband *cough... whipped... ahem* were reunited with their pup, but they could just as easily have sent their cash my way, and it would have helped them find the damn thing just as quickly. I think I just found my new get rich quick scheme...

And last, but certainly not least...

This is Mangum Rattlesnake Derby Princess Courtney Lewis, posing with the snake she just beheaded. That's right. "Miss Derby Princess'" sole duty is to behead the first rattlesnake of the festival. Now. I don't mean to be ugly. But... I think there's a reason she got chosen. I mean, what kind of beauty queen dreams of being the princess of a rattlesnake derby? And I wonder what the first runner-up is thinking. I mean, she's bound to have even odds of getting to take over the crown when Miss Derby Princess is unable to fulfill her duties, thanks to an unfortunate rattlesnake bite to the jugular. They should make a Drop Dead Gorgeous sequal: Drop Dead Gorgeous II: Snakes on a Stage, starring Kirsten Dunst and Samuel L. Jackson. Yeah... I'm calling Hollywood tomorrow. $$$

*Hey-oooooooooo

Rest In Peace, Maude

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider
She didn't care if the whole world looked.
Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her
She was a sister who really cooked.*
...
And then there's MAUDE

It is with heavy heart that I write this blog post today. Yet another Golden Girl has kicked it. Born in 1922 as Bernice Frankel (and you thought Beatrice Arthur was an albatross of a name) in New York City, Bea Arthur was the much-beloved star of such old-person (or, iconically gay-take your pick) shows as Maude, The Golden Girls, and the Lucille Ball version of Mame.

Bea follows Golden Girls co-star, Estelle Getty, and is survived by Rue McClanahan and Betty White.

I think in the end, I would like to remember Bea and Estelle this way...

"Which one's Cheech, and which one's Chong?"

*Update (04/28/2009): It just occurs to me that this song lyric is totally twisted. Joan of Arc was burned at the stake by the English in 1431, during the Hundred Years' War. She, in fact, "really cooked." You should be ashamed of yourselves Marilyn and Alan Bergman and Dave Grusin.

Happy Administrative Professionals Day!

Yes, that's right. We can't call it 'Secretaries Day' any more.

Oh, well... there were lots of other fun things that happened...

On This Day in History

On this day in 1500, Pedro Álvares Cabral became the first European to sight Brazil. Just one short year ago, Brazilian soccer great Ronaldo "knew they were prostitutes, but didn't know they were men." Mmhmm. In any event, to both men we owe a great debt of gratitude...

On this day in 1836, General Antonio López de Santa Anna was captured by Texan forces under the command of Sam Houston. One day after the decisive battle of San Jacinto, Houston's men found the cowardly Santa Anna, on the run, and wearing women's underwear. Well, I guess technically he was just wearing silk boxers, but you know how they are down in Texas. Thus began Texas' [brief] period of independence, and simultaneously its obnoxious superiority complex.

Well, that's it for April 22 in history... Happy Earth Day!!

Cake is Supposed to be Moist (::shudder::)

It's Thursday, so that means it's time for....

Know Your Current Events!

First up this week: a disgusting old piece of cake. What's that? Oh... excuse me... a disgusting antique piece of cake. Aren't you supposed to keep the top tier and eat it on your first anniversary? Isn't that how that old tradition (i.e. superstition) goes? I have never heard of saving a piece of wedding cake, so that it can outlast you and your spouse, and be passed down for generations, only to be sold at auction by Sotheby's. Way to go Princess Louise. I thought the Victorians were supposed to be on top of such things. This hunk of sweet is 138 years old! I don't even want to think what that must look/smell/taste like. "'We advise them not to eat a 138-year-old piece of cake," said Amy Kiernan, a spokeswoman for the fair." Seriously?? Do you think anyone would actually want to eat that? Gross. I wonder if it was decorated using the Wilton® method...

Next, a man in Fort Smith, AR crashed his truck through the gates of the local airport and made his way toward an airplane. It seems that he was planning on flying a Cessna all the way to Israel, because he "had all the answers." Apparently not, otherwise he might have thought better of flying a plane that was missing a key piece of equipment. Like propellers. I love that the police charged him with felony Criminal Mischief and misdemeanor Criminal Trespass. Really, he should have been charged with being a complete nutcase. I guess Sebastian County doesn't really have the resources for that. But then again, to an Arkansan (or any of us from the Deep South, really), it doesn't seem insane at all to come across a crazed white man waving a Bible who claims to have all the answers...

And finally, a nod to overnight world Internet sensation Frumpzilla.... err... I mean... Susan Boyle. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Don't make fun of that wonderful woman. She is a prime example of 'not judging a book by its cover.'" And you're absolutely right. I admit, when I first watched her audition video on YouTube, I was expecting a Scottish William Hung. I was pleasantly surprised, as it turns out the whole world was. There are two things about this story I'd like to comment on. First, I find it absolutely atrocious that this woman has become a phenomenon, not because of her amazing set of pipes (which she clearly has), but because she is so completely plain, and a little bit awkward. Because somehow, talent and good looks go hand-in-hand. Heaven forbid a perfectly normal-looking person have something other than good looks on offer. My second comment on this story refers to her expression of surprise at the reaction to her wonderful rendition of "I Dreamed A Dream" (people tell me this is from a musical... I don't really keep up with such things). "'I'm gobsmacked, absolutely gobsmacked,' she told CNN on Friday morning." What the crap kind of word is 'gobsmacked'? English may be a living language, but I would sooner allow 'irregardless' into the OED than use the word 'gobsmacked' on a regular basis.

Somebody Call Guinness; I found the ugliest pants EVER

So, I was killing time after my lunch today in Filene's Basement (a.k.a. the most amazing store ever; designer clothing at bargain basement prices... I once got a $108 FCUK shirt for $17.58), and I came across these beauties...

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Are you sure you didn't stumble into the clown store?" The answer is an unequivocal "No." I do not like clowns. Never have. I would, under no circumstances, venture into a retail establishment that caters solely to their kind. Plus I don't really know why there would be a clown store in Watertown, MA.

No, no. I was in the men's department at Filene's for sure. Now there are a couple of things about this pair of pants that amaze me (at least I think that's what they do to me; they may also have caused me to have a small seizure that I only mistook for amazement):

First of all, they are manufactured by Vineyard Vines. Vineyard Vines is a retailer located on Martha's Vineyard (duh), which has a monopoly on the fugliest color of fabric in the known universe. They are also the most expensive clothier on the island (unless you count the gift shops in Oak Bluffs, and I don't). Who in the name of crap is going to buy these for their vacay on THE VINEYARD?? Nobody's that drunk.

Second, in addition to their garish checkerboard-harlequin-whatever-the-crap-it-is pattern, they are also made of corduroy. From a distance, I thought they might be pants suitable for a round of golf at a posh Cape Cod country club. Upon closer inspection, however, I noted that they are in fact intended for winter wear. WHO THE CRAP IS GOING TO BUY CORDUROY GOLF PANTS?!?!

Next, these pants were waist size 40 (40, people! F-O-R-T-Y!). AND they were the only ones left. I can only deduce that there was once an entire rack full of them at more reasonable sizes that they managed to pass off to unsuspecting vacationers (with more money than good sense).

Finally, the manufacturer's suggested retail price was ::drumroll please:: $135.00 (thank G-d we don't have sales tax on clothing in the Commonwealth!). ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?? $135 for that?!?! And guess what Filene's is trying to unload them for? Go on guess. I'll wait.... $59.99!!!!!!!!!

I mean, I guess part of me is just jealous that someone has made a lot of money off of something a four-year-old dreamed up during arts and crafts time. But one day I hope to be walking down the lane in Edgartown and run across a Kennedy wearing this very pair. I will take a picture with said Kennedy, and I will post it here for everyone to see.

What do Jesus and my Blog Have in Common?

They are both resurrected today!

Ok, cheap religious joke, I know. But what better day to bring back the blog than the Super Bowl of Christian holidays?

So I hope to be a little more regular with the blog (you know how I like to stay regular) from now on, and will be bringing back some old favorites like "Know Your Current Events," and even introducing some new features like "This Day in History."

Stay tuned...