Habemus Papam

"The Pope is dead! Long live the Pope!!" I think that's what they should shout instead of "Habemus Papam!" when they elect a new pope. It's certainly catchier.

So, I've decided that I need to be the next pope. "But, Chris," you say, "you are Episcopalian, not Roman Catholic." Yes this would seem to be a problem for me, wouldn't it? According to canon law, however, any baptized man (sorry ladies) may be considered for the position of pontifex maximus. So I think I need to give the cardinals a call and let them know that I would like to have myself considered when they go into the conclave on April 18.

Here is a short list of characteristics that I think qualify me to be the next Bishop of Rome:

1) I love Jesus. It's true. I really do. You can ask Him yourself. He'll tell you so.
2) I actually enjoy the sermons (most of the time) when I go to church. Under normal circumstances this would be an indication of mental illness, but considering the position I'm applying for, it's something that should be emphasized.
3) I'm a uniter, not a divider. I like to run things on a live-and-let-live basis. You want to ordain women? Fine with me! You don't like the gays? OK, but don't get mad when other people get promoted over you. Of course this does have its limits... I will send the Swiss Guard after you if you piss me off. None of this 'loving my enemies' crap.
4) I look good in white. Seriously, I do. That's not a look many people can pull off. I think it has something to do with my naturally dark complexion. Although the wool cassock has to go... I mean, honestly: it's Rome- it's freakin' hot there! Can I see something in seersucker?
5) I am already infallible. I don't make mistakes. Ever. And I don't have to sit in a big, fancy chair for it to work, either.

I will be including all these points in my cover letter to the College of Cardinals. Please send your references c/o Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger to the Vatican.

Faithfully,
Pope Christopher I (Yes, I'm keeping my real name)