I Have Returned

Well, sort of. I have finally arrived in my new home in Boston, MA. I have limited Internet access for the month of August, but I will be posting as much as possible. So be not afraid... You will be able to read my ramblings again!

As I am wont to do, when I have nothing terribly exciting for you, I like to post a little Internet Zen for you. This should keep you occupied for a day or so...

Dance, Dance Evolution

I Hate the Atlanta Airport

Some rules to follow to make air travel pain-free for those around you (i.e. me):

Rule #1
Do not complain about the weather. Do not complain about the fact that your flight is delayed because of weather. Do not get pissy with the gate agents because the weather is inconveniencing your travel plans. The airlines (contrary to conspiracy theory) do not have control over the weather. Getting angry at the gate personnel does nothing to help you out. In fact, it makes you look like a complete jerk. Remove your head from your ass and sit down.

Rule #2
Listen to the gate agents when they ask you to do something. Like "get out of the way so that the people getting off of the plane can actually leave." Do not pretend to be so deep in conversation that you just don't hear them. Do not pretend to have been so deep in thought that you missed the announcement. Standing closer to the door doesn't get you on the plane any faster. You are holding up the process. Corollary: The agents at the gate are not lying to you when they tell you that there has been a gate change. The announcement (that was made 3 times), in addition to the signage at the desk, should be sufficient for you to make it to your new gate to bug someone else. Remove your head from your ass and get out of the way.

Rule #3
I know you're tired. I'm tired, too. We are all tired, and we have all been forced to sit in the Atlanta airport for far too long. It's loud, it's crowded, and we all want to go home. But you are a grown woman. Do not pout. Do not whine to your boyfriend in that infantile voice. Do not rub your face on his shoulder and ask him to make it all better. No one finds this cute (I guarantee that he doesn't). Remove your head from your boyfriend's ass and grow up.

Rule #4
It is lunchtime, and Moe's is very busy. I am at the register, paying for my burrito and excited that I will get to sit and enjoy my meal. But here you come and plant yourself at the last available table. What's that you say? Your husband is in line, so it's ok for you to sit down. WRONG. In the amount of time it will take your husband to get from his place at the end of the extremely long lunch line to the cash register, I will have eaten my burrito and be long gone. But now I have to sit in the terminal and eat it there because you're to lazy to stand your butt in line. Remove your head from your fat ass and go do some squat-thrusts or something.

Rule #5
Do not talk just to hear the sound of your own voice. No one cares that your mother's sciatica is acting up. No one cares how much a soda cost back in nineteen-aught-two. No one cares how cute you think that baby is (it is, by the way, one of the ugliest babies that I've ever seen). Please put your head up your ass just a little bit and shut the hell up. But not too far... I want you to be able to hear the boarding call when it's time to leave.

AutoReply: Out of Office

I'm in Boston for the week, so no posts until next Thursday. Have a great week everybody!

Congratulations Kyle MacDonald!

It started with this...

And ended with this...

In just one short year, July 12, 2005 to today, July 12, 2006, 26-year-old Kyle MacDonald of Montreal, Canada has traded his way from a single red paperclip to a 3 bedroom, 1.5 bathroom, 1100 square foot house. A link to his blog, One Red Paperclip, has been on my own blog for a while now, but since he has reached his goal... I will be removing it. But his feat will be immortalized in my archives forever (or until blogger ceases operating).

Kyle is almost 27 years old. He has been on Good Morning America, CNN, and as of today is a homeowner and honorary Mayor-for-a-day in Kipling, Saskatchewan, Canada. I will be 25 very shortly, and am unemployed, moving to a new town with pretty much just the clothes that I own, and no prospects. Way to make me feel like crap, Kyle.

But anyway, congratulations on your sucessful trades! I wish you the best of luck in Kipling... doing whatever it is that you will do there.

Happy 200th Birthday, Liechtenstein!

Nestled between Austria and Switzerland along the banks of the Rhine is the tiny pricipality of Liechtenstein. Created by Napoleon in 1806, the miniscule country will be celebrating its bicentennial beginning this week. Much like its neighbor Switzerland, Liechtenstein is a money-laundering Mecca, and has prospered since World War II as a banking center. But the reason I like Liechtenstein the most is that a mere 3 years ago, the constitution was amended to give the monarch (Currently Hans-Adam von und zu Liechtenstein II) amazing control of the legislative and judicial systems with little to no responsibility. Below is a picture of the royal abode. From it, one can see nearly the entirety of the country. Here's to you, Liechtenstein... May you have 200 more! Because your name is really fun to say!

(AP Photo/Thomasz Surdel)

A Good Day for Good Sportsmen

Yesterday was a great day for the gentlemen of sports.

First, the Championships Wimbledon wrapped up with the battle of the top 2 seeded players in the tournament. Roger Federer, the undisputed "king of grass" and number one seed from Switzerland, took on Rafael Nadal, the number 2 seed and a cocky punk from Spain. It was a good match, but in the end the better man one (and I mean "better" both in the sense that his tennis game was better, and his general attitude was way better); Federer defeated Nadal in four sets: 6-0, 7-6 (5), 6-7 (2), 6-3. This win makes Roger Federer the third man in history to win four straight Wimbledon titles (alongside Bjorn Borg and Pete Sampras). It also marks 48 consecutive wins on grass. Federer will turn 25 on August 8th. His career is just beginning.

Next, and this is a mix of good news and bad news, I guess. Italy beat France in the World Cup finals. My feelings for the French in general aside, Italy was the better team (once again both in play and in attitude). So I was excited when gli Azzurri thwarted Les Bleus in their attempt to win another world title. I am very disappointed, however, that FIFA awarded the "Golden Ball" award for the best player of the tournament to Zinedine Zidane, who was forced to leave the final match by way of a red card for headbutting one of the Italian players in the chest.

There has been lots of sports to pay attention to this summer. Now that the World Cup and Wimbledon are over, I can keep track of what's going on with the Tour de France for the rest of the month. Then I can give baseball its due after the All-Star split and get into the U.S. Open a little. My only sadness is that I don't know that I'll be able to watch LSU football this fall in Boston. Very sad, indeed.

Knackwurst Envy

Submitted for your approval: The following video I ran across on You Tube the other day. Watch it before you read the rest of my post. Go ahead, I'll wait...

This is a television ad for the French automaker Renault. What's that you say? You've never heard of Renault? Oh, that's probably because cars made by companies like Renault and Peugeot don't get exported to this country... mostly because they suck. I'm pretty sure the only reason that France is still making cars is that with the most recent wave of E.U. expansion, they have been opened up to the markets of Eastern Europe, where people are just excited to have more options than Yugo and those oversized wind-up toys that the Soviets forced them to buy under decades of Communism.

I have a couple of issues with this commercial. We'll start with the sterotypes and their implications. As the French are wont to do with most other things, they have linked various national makes of automobile with food. First, we have what appears to be a Bavarian white veal sausage. Clearly, this is a reference to the German automakers (specifically BMW), and it implies that German cars explode upon impact. Owning a German car myself, I sincerely hope this isn't the case. Next we have what I believe is a spicy tuna roll -sushi- obviously meant to represent the Japanese cars. It meets a fate similar to the German sausage. After they clean up the sticky rice, they subject a large cracker to the side-impact test. Now, this reference is not quite clear to me, but since we've already made fun of Germany and Japan, I can only assume that this is meant to indicate the American car companies. If that is so, then not only are our Fords, Chevys and GMCs being slandered, but we as a nation are being called a bunch of crackers! I personally have been called a cracker on a couple of different occasions, and I didn't much appreciate it. I certainly will not take it lying down from the French.

The clip concludes with a nice baguette smashing into the test wall. It crumples a bit, but is otherwise unharmed. I don't know that bread is really the best metaphor for a car... well, maybe for a French car it is. There's a reason your mom always made you keep the loaf of bread separate from the rest of the grocery bags. At any rate, Frenchie... you can keep your limp-ass baguette. I'll take a German-engineered bratwurst any day. Mmmm... bratwurst...

It's Like Seinfeld on Crack

Last summer, I watched seven episodes of a television show that so offensive, so honest, and so hilarious that I just assumed after seven installments, the FX network was forced to pull the plug to avoid lawsuits.

Imagine my excitement and- dare I name it?- joy, when I found out about two months ago that It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia was returning to the summer lineup. Apparently, FX was only willing to spring for the initial seven episode installment, and see where it went from there. Thankfully, the show was ratings-worthy enough to bring it back this summer for a longer run.

Sunny, as it is more commonly called (let's face it that title is only slightly less cumbersome than Two Guys, a Girl and Pizza Place *takes a breath* whew), is the brainchild of three of the show's stars: Charlie Day, Glen Howerton, and Rob McElhenney. McElhenney, frustrated with the life of a struggling actor in LA, wrote the script for the pilot with his co-stars/producers, and it was picked up on a provisional basis by FX Networks. The show follows four friends that co-own and operate a bar in (you guessed it) Philadelphia. This season, Danny DeVito has joined the cast as Dennis (Howerton) and Dee's (Kaitlin Olson) estranged, but wealthy and recently separated father. Comedic genius ensues.

Critics have been making Seinfeld comparisons. I think these are spot-on. This show is about nothing at all. Each episode has nothing to do with the last, and with the exception of a few recurring characters (like the waitress that Charlie has a crush on, and that everyone else loves to use to make him miserable), there's no real plot development. One critic even said that Sunny is "like Seinfeld on crack." Well, one of tonight's episodes actually involved two of the characters becoming addicted to crack in an effort to file for welfare benefits. You feel like you really shouldn't laugh at the situation, but you can't not. I would think it would be fun to be friends with these people, if I weren't 100% sure that they would all take advantage of me on a daily basis. My only consolation would be that I am actually smarter than all of them.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia airs this summer on FX, Thursdays at 10pm EST/9pm CST. Check it out.

Rowan Williams: Archbishop, Druid, Trying to Keep this Boat Afloat

The Most Rev. and Rt. Hon. Dr. Rowan Williams is the 104th Archbishop of Canterbury; Primate of the Church of England and leader of the world-wide Anglican Communion. He is pictured below with the Rev. Robert Willis, the Dean of Canterbury Cathedral, taking his oath in 2003 on the ancient Canterbury Gospels. Did he realize what he was getting himself into when he took that oath?

Williams was recently removed from my list of people that should be ashamed of themselves. I was originally going to post this list as today's entry, but having just come from church and hearing a wonderful sermon about mutual dependence and not being stingy with love (IV Pentecost), I shall save it for later. With all of the shenanigans that have gone down the past week in the aftermath of General Convention 2006, I have been very upset with various leaders of our Anglican Communion, and within our Episcopal Church in the USA. The ABC was on my list when I read the news reports that proclaimed that he had decided to relegate churches like the Episcopal Church to second-class citizen status in the Communion. His actual statement was a little more nuanced than that, and I appreciated its honesty, sensitivity, and theological consciousness.

I invite you to read the text version of Rowan Williams' "Reflection" on being Anglican today here. There is also a link to an audio version in the Archbishop's own voice on that same ACNS page.

Photo: James Rosenthal/Anglican World

Father we pray for your holy catholic Church;
That we all may be one.

Grant that every member of the Church may truly and humbly serve you;
That your Name may be glorified by all people.

We pray for all bishops, priests and deacons;
That they may be faithful ministers of your Word and Sacraments.

Oh, the Places I'd Go... (If I Had the Cash)

As I sit here contemplating what it will be like to be a "young professional," it occurs to me that very soon I will not be allowed simply to drop everything and go wherever I want on a whim. Since trips from now on will have to be carefully planned out, notice given, etc., I am thinking of the following adventures to get me started:

1) New York City

I have actually been to New York City twice. Once was for the National Model UN conference in college, where I basically stayed in the hotel conference rooms and occasionally went out to eat. The second time was for the ordination of a friend to the diaconate. I have seen quite a bit of the New York Hilton, the United Nations building, and the Cathedral of St. John the Divine. I walked through Central Park, but did not make it to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I have visited Time Square, but still have not made it to a Broadway (or even off- or off-off-Broadway) show. Aside from the three buildings mentioned above, I haven't seen any of the sites like the Empire State Building, Chrysler Building, Statue of Liberty. Now that I'm moving to New England, perhaps it will be a little easier to plan a trip to New York where I can be a tourist for once.

2) San Francisco

I have yet to visit San Francisco. I have been to California once before, about 7 years ago. We stayed in Anaheim for a week, and did some touring of the Los Angeles area. Laguna Beach is one of my favorite memories of that trip. I think when I go back to California, I'd like to go a little farther north. I am not sure what to expect from the City by the Bay, but I have heard nothing but good reports. I think it would also be fun to head up to Napa for a couple of days and do some vinyard tours/wine tastings. I also wouldn't mind seeing Los Altos, CA. It would be enlightening to see the place that produced my crackhead roommate from freshman year.

3) New Zealand

For the last almost two years, I toyed with the idea of going to New Zealand on their Working Holiday Scheme. This program allows young Americans aged 18-30 to live anywhere in New Zealand, and take any job they can find to support themselves. I think it would be a wonderful adventure. Sadly, the trip would have depleted my savings and left me with nothing but memories (albeit the most amazing memories of my life). So now I have to wait until I can take a vacation and go down there. Perhaps when I'm back in school I can take a little New Year's trip during the break before the semester starts, just to catch a little summer down under.

4) St. Martin Monastery in Beuron, Germany

Nestled in the mountains of southern Germany is what may be the most beautiful church I have ever visited. The church that belongs to the monastery in Beuron is absolutely amazing, and its Ladychapel is breathtaking. The monastery itself is Benedictine, and in the spirit of hospitality opens its doors to men that wish to live, work and pray with the monks. I have wanted for some time now to do an extended retreat there with the brothers. I would love to spend a month there in the quiet of the young Danube river valley, just to recharge the batteries.

Walkin' with my Feet 10 Feet off of Beale

So I'm having a bit of Memphis nostalgia tonight. My boss at CBU took all of us Resident Directors out for dinner as a sort of "Farewell" dinner for myself and one of my colleagues. The food was great and the company was awesome. I have actually really enjoyed the times with these other four people that I work with. I will truly miss them when I've moved on. They were a lot of fun to be around, which is important when you work with 18-21 year olds. They really made the job worthwhile, especially when we got together to talk about the stupid sh*t we saw the week prior. I can't say that I will miss being a glorified babysitter, but I will miss my partners in crime.

And the free rent.

And the free Internet access.

And the meal plan.

But mostly the people...

Being Unemployed Is Hard Work

So for the last few weeks, I have been applying for jobs in Boston. I am hoping against hope that I will be able to secure gainful employment prior to my arrival in New England. It would certainly make my life a little easier. There really is only so much I can do from 1300 miles away. But the silver lining is: most of the higher education positions can be applied for online. So I have furiously been scanning the listings for jobs at the 60ish institutions of higher learning in the Boston Metro area. I have found numerous positions that I am qualified for; even more that I am over-qualified for. The problem is, there are a lot of people that are qualified for these jobs, and no one wants to consider me for one of the jobs that I'm over-qualified for. That's messed up.

On the bright side, I think I have this cover letter thing down. I actually just have several different paragraphs that I have perfected of the last few months. I rearrange their order depending on what I want to highlight, and I change the names of the jobs and places where I'm applying. It's a great system, actually. I am really just afraid at this point, that I will have sent the same cover letter to the same institution for so many different positions that they will discover how unoriginal I truly am in my composition of letters. Or maybe they'll think I'm clever and efficient. Oh, who am I kidding? No one reads that stuff anyway.

And in the slightly less stressful world of seeking housing... I think I have run upon a bit of luck for the month of August. My friend Sara and I are going to split an apartment starting September 1st, but I will be moving the first of August. Sara has a friend that owns a great one-bedroom condo right on Commonwealth Avenue. She won't be using it until September, which means I might get to take advantage of a really great place for a month. Not free, mind you, but still pretty reasonable. At least something seems to be going right... *knocks furiously on wood*

Summer Reading

At the prompting of a good friend, I have compiled my summer reading list for this year. I think this is the most varied list I’ve ever had before me. Though, I need some more women authors, I think… any suggestions?

Love Monkey by Kyle Smith
This book was the basis for the ill-fated TV show of the same name, starring Tom Cavanaugh. I was very upset when I discovered that CBS had cancelled the show, but very excited to run across the book in a bookstore in Decatur, AL of all places. If you’re a woman who’s always wanted to understand what it’s like to be inside the mind of your average 20/30-something man, this is the book for you. Likewise, if you’re a 20/30-something man who wants to read about someone just a little worse off than you, it’s a must-read. Look for the author in People magazine, writing book and music reviews.

For All the Saints?: Remembering the Christian Departed by N. T. Wright
The Rt. Rev. N. T. Wright is one of my favorite Anglican New Testament scholars/theologians. He was recently appointed Bishop of Durham in the United Kingdom, and has published numerous volumes on Christology, as well as a set of New Testament commentaries “for everyone.” This book wrestles with the difficult concept of “life after death,” and traces the evolution of the Tradition from the biblical witness forward. It attempts to bring our modern ideas about the Christian afterlife, the Resurrection, etc. into line with what the earliest Christians maintained.

Close Range: Wyoming Stories by Annie Proulx
Annie Proulx won the Pulitzer Prize and National Book Award for her novel-turned-movie The Shipping News. This is the collection of short stories that contains “Brokeback Mountain,” which recently received several nods from the Academy as a motion picture. I am not sure what to expect from the literature itself, but I am looking forward to reading it.

Living on the Border of the Holy: Renewing the Priesthood of All by L. William Countryman
Countryman is an Episcopal priest, currently serving as professor of New Testament at the Church Divinity School of the Pacific, one of the 11 accredited seminaries of the Episcopal Church. This book investigates the threefold priesthood: the Priesthood of Christ, the priesthood of all believers, and the priesthood of the ordained. This in-depth exploration of ministry should be eye-opening for laity and clergy alike, and helpful to anyone in vocational discernment.

Other books I’m thinking about, but probably won’t get to:
Girl Meets God by Lauren Winner
A Question of Attraction by David Nicholls
Joe College by Tom Perrotta
For Whom the Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway (my favorite book; a re-read obviously)
Emma by Jane Austen (I’ve managed to go 25 years without reading Austen)
Night by Elie Wiesel
Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris

Sabbath

I have decided that my Sabbath from here on out is going to include no blogging on Saturdays. It's part of my plan to have one day a week where I can just be me, and not worry about the rest of the world. So no more Saturday blogs... starting......... now.

No Sex for You!!!!

If you didn't think the world was going to hell in a handbasket before... It is now... Apparently the burgeoning sex industry in Germany is suffering because of the invasion of World Cup spectators this summer.

What kind of world do we live in, where a man would rather go out boozing it up with his soccer hooligan buddies than visit a house of ill repute? Or where the "regulars" are scared away by the domination-seeking tourists? (Too bad you can't blog sarcasm.)

I think we in this country just don't get how important soccer (or "football") is in the cultures of our friends across the Atlantic. Here in the United States, soccer is something you make your kids do because they have too much energy to be kept in the house playing video games. We finally got major league soccer in this country a few years ago, and sportsfans from sea to shining sea responded with a resounding "Isn't that nice." (Which those of us from the South know translates as "Who gives a f*ck?!?!")

As I've learned from my sojourns in Germany over the past few years, there are really only a few things that a German man needs to survive: Ordnung ("order"), Bier (beer), Wurst (sausage) and Fussball (soccer). Sex barely rounds out the top five. I am not shocked that it is taking a back seat to the World Cup. I was in Germany for World Cup 2002. Let me tell you... we got half days at work whenever Germany was playing in an elimination round. And you know something is a big deal if a German is willing to miss work for it.

So take heart, Whores of Deutschland! As soon as Germany wins the cup on July 9th, you'll have more business than you can shake a... *ahem* yeah... at. Assuming, of course, that you're done before 10pm. Some people have to go to work Monday morning.

Somebody Pooted

I spent last week in Columbus, OH for the 75th General Convention of the Episcopal Church. I spent the week visiting legislative committee hearings, sitting in on sessions of the House of Deputies and the House of Bishops. I was even present when the announcement was made of the selection of the Rt. Rev. Katherine Jefferts Schori as XXVI Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church. Very Exciting. I also spent some time with other young adult Church Nerds (that's a technical theological term), discussing vocation and spiritual practices. I was bewildered by the exhibit hall on more than one occasion (think IKEA with church-related paraphernalia instead of furniture), but not too bewildered to drop over $100 at the Church Publishing booth. *sigh*

All of this was very fun and very enlightening. However, no part of my visit to Columbus was as entertaining as the drive home. I parked for about half an hour on I-65 somewhere between Elizabethtown and Bowling Green. I got out. I took a (newly-purchased) book out of the trunk. I read a couple of chapters. Mercifully, traffic started moving again, and I was in a pretty grumpy mood. That is, until I made it to Nashville. Nashville is that point in the drive where you say to yourself, "I'm almost home!!" and it brightens your day a bit.

Little did I know that Nashville had one more surprise waiting for me on I-40 westbound. There, on the side of the bridge was a bright red billboard with the words, "I pooted." That's it. No logo, no phone number, no website... just, "I pooted." I doubled over with laughter. I am not making this up...

Apparently, this billboard has something to do with the Cartoon Network, and there have been sightings all over the country as far north as Rhode Island. That is really immaterial to me. I am just excited that someone thought to put up a billboard that says, "I pooted." That person is my hero for the day.

P.S.
When you type the words "i pooted billboard" into Google, it asks "Did you mean 'i pooped billboard'?" Reminds me of Brick Tamland from Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

I'm baaaa-aaack

Just in case you were all devastated when I stopped recording my deepest, darkest thoughts in blog format...

I am resurrecting the blog. For a while anyway. I need to figure out if I can still post pictures. I had some trouble with Hello, or whatever it's called.

Anyway, I am facing some major life changes (not like male menopause or anything like that) at the moment and I'm trying to figure stuff out. So why not let everyone read it?

I will be moving soon... to New England, which will definitely be new for me. At the moment I have no job lined up, so that's fun. About the only thing I have is a tentative living situation for the month of August. Uncertainty is fun (just keep telling yourself that).

Check back tomorrow and I'll see what sort of disjointed ramblings I can conjure up for you to read.