I Hate the Atlanta Airport

Some rules to follow to make air travel pain-free for those around you (i.e. me):

Rule #1
Do not complain about the weather. Do not complain about the fact that your flight is delayed because of weather. Do not get pissy with the gate agents because the weather is inconveniencing your travel plans. The airlines (contrary to conspiracy theory) do not have control over the weather. Getting angry at the gate personnel does nothing to help you out. In fact, it makes you look like a complete jerk. Remove your head from your ass and sit down.

Rule #2
Listen to the gate agents when they ask you to do something. Like "get out of the way so that the people getting off of the plane can actually leave." Do not pretend to be so deep in conversation that you just don't hear them. Do not pretend to have been so deep in thought that you missed the announcement. Standing closer to the door doesn't get you on the plane any faster. You are holding up the process. Corollary: The agents at the gate are not lying to you when they tell you that there has been a gate change. The announcement (that was made 3 times), in addition to the signage at the desk, should be sufficient for you to make it to your new gate to bug someone else. Remove your head from your ass and get out of the way.

Rule #3
I know you're tired. I'm tired, too. We are all tired, and we have all been forced to sit in the Atlanta airport for far too long. It's loud, it's crowded, and we all want to go home. But you are a grown woman. Do not pout. Do not whine to your boyfriend in that infantile voice. Do not rub your face on his shoulder and ask him to make it all better. No one finds this cute (I guarantee that he doesn't). Remove your head from your boyfriend's ass and grow up.

Rule #4
It is lunchtime, and Moe's is very busy. I am at the register, paying for my burrito and excited that I will get to sit and enjoy my meal. But here you come and plant yourself at the last available table. What's that you say? Your husband is in line, so it's ok for you to sit down. WRONG. In the amount of time it will take your husband to get from his place at the end of the extremely long lunch line to the cash register, I will have eaten my burrito and be long gone. But now I have to sit in the terminal and eat it there because you're to lazy to stand your butt in line. Remove your head from your fat ass and go do some squat-thrusts or something.

Rule #5
Do not talk just to hear the sound of your own voice. No one cares that your mother's sciatica is acting up. No one cares how much a soda cost back in nineteen-aught-two. No one cares how cute you think that baby is (it is, by the way, one of the ugliest babies that I've ever seen). Please put your head up your ass just a little bit and shut the hell up. But not too far... I want you to be able to hear the boarding call when it's time to leave.

AutoReply: Out of Office

I'm in Boston for the week, so no posts until next Thursday. Have a great week everybody!

Congratulations Kyle MacDonald!

It started with this...

And ended with this...

In just one short year, July 12, 2005 to today, July 12, 2006, 26-year-old Kyle MacDonald of Montreal, Canada has traded his way from a single red paperclip to a 3 bedroom, 1.5 bathroom, 1100 square foot house. A link to his blog, One Red Paperclip, has been on my own blog for a while now, but since he has reached his goal... I will be removing it. But his feat will be immortalized in my archives forever (or until blogger ceases operating).

Kyle is almost 27 years old. He has been on Good Morning America, CNN, and as of today is a homeowner and honorary Mayor-for-a-day in Kipling, Saskatchewan, Canada. I will be 25 very shortly, and am unemployed, moving to a new town with pretty much just the clothes that I own, and no prospects. Way to make me feel like crap, Kyle.

But anyway, congratulations on your sucessful trades! I wish you the best of luck in Kipling... doing whatever it is that you will do there.

Happy 200th Birthday, Liechtenstein!

Nestled between Austria and Switzerland along the banks of the Rhine is the tiny pricipality of Liechtenstein. Created by Napoleon in 1806, the miniscule country will be celebrating its bicentennial beginning this week. Much like its neighbor Switzerland, Liechtenstein is a money-laundering Mecca, and has prospered since World War II as a banking center. But the reason I like Liechtenstein the most is that a mere 3 years ago, the constitution was amended to give the monarch (Currently Hans-Adam von und zu Liechtenstein II) amazing control of the legislative and judicial systems with little to no responsibility. Below is a picture of the royal abode. From it, one can see nearly the entirety of the country. Here's to you, Liechtenstein... May you have 200 more! Because your name is really fun to say!

(AP Photo/Thomasz Surdel)

A Good Day for Good Sportsmen

Yesterday was a great day for the gentlemen of sports.

First, the Championships Wimbledon wrapped up with the battle of the top 2 seeded players in the tournament. Roger Federer, the undisputed "king of grass" and number one seed from Switzerland, took on Rafael Nadal, the number 2 seed and a cocky punk from Spain. It was a good match, but in the end the better man one (and I mean "better" both in the sense that his tennis game was better, and his general attitude was way better); Federer defeated Nadal in four sets: 6-0, 7-6 (5), 6-7 (2), 6-3. This win makes Roger Federer the third man in history to win four straight Wimbledon titles (alongside Bjorn Borg and Pete Sampras). It also marks 48 consecutive wins on grass. Federer will turn 25 on August 8th. His career is just beginning.

Next, and this is a mix of good news and bad news, I guess. Italy beat France in the World Cup finals. My feelings for the French in general aside, Italy was the better team (once again both in play and in attitude). So I was excited when gli Azzurri thwarted Les Bleus in their attempt to win another world title. I am very disappointed, however, that FIFA awarded the "Golden Ball" award for the best player of the tournament to Zinedine Zidane, who was forced to leave the final match by way of a red card for headbutting one of the Italian players in the chest.

There has been lots of sports to pay attention to this summer. Now that the World Cup and Wimbledon are over, I can keep track of what's going on with the Tour de France for the rest of the month. Then I can give baseball its due after the All-Star split and get into the U.S. Open a little. My only sadness is that I don't know that I'll be able to watch LSU football this fall in Boston. Very sad, indeed.

Knackwurst Envy

Submitted for your approval: The following video I ran across on You Tube the other day. Watch it before you read the rest of my post. Go ahead, I'll wait...

This is a television ad for the French automaker Renault. What's that you say? You've never heard of Renault? Oh, that's probably because cars made by companies like Renault and Peugeot don't get exported to this country... mostly because they suck. I'm pretty sure the only reason that France is still making cars is that with the most recent wave of E.U. expansion, they have been opened up to the markets of Eastern Europe, where people are just excited to have more options than Yugo and those oversized wind-up toys that the Soviets forced them to buy under decades of Communism.

I have a couple of issues with this commercial. We'll start with the sterotypes and their implications. As the French are wont to do with most other things, they have linked various national makes of automobile with food. First, we have what appears to be a Bavarian white veal sausage. Clearly, this is a reference to the German automakers (specifically BMW), and it implies that German cars explode upon impact. Owning a German car myself, I sincerely hope this isn't the case. Next we have what I believe is a spicy tuna roll -sushi- obviously meant to represent the Japanese cars. It meets a fate similar to the German sausage. After they clean up the sticky rice, they subject a large cracker to the side-impact test. Now, this reference is not quite clear to me, but since we've already made fun of Germany and Japan, I can only assume that this is meant to indicate the American car companies. If that is so, then not only are our Fords, Chevys and GMCs being slandered, but we as a nation are being called a bunch of crackers! I personally have been called a cracker on a couple of different occasions, and I didn't much appreciate it. I certainly will not take it lying down from the French.

The clip concludes with a nice baguette smashing into the test wall. It crumples a bit, but is otherwise unharmed. I don't know that bread is really the best metaphor for a car... well, maybe for a French car it is. There's a reason your mom always made you keep the loaf of bread separate from the rest of the grocery bags. At any rate, Frenchie... you can keep your limp-ass baguette. I'll take a German-engineered bratwurst any day. Mmmm... bratwurst...

It's Like Seinfeld on Crack

Last summer, I watched seven episodes of a television show that so offensive, so honest, and so hilarious that I just assumed after seven installments, the FX network was forced to pull the plug to avoid lawsuits.

Imagine my excitement and- dare I name it?- joy, when I found out about two months ago that It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia was returning to the summer lineup. Apparently, FX was only willing to spring for the initial seven episode installment, and see where it went from there. Thankfully, the show was ratings-worthy enough to bring it back this summer for a longer run.

Sunny, as it is more commonly called (let's face it that title is only slightly less cumbersome than Two Guys, a Girl and Pizza Place *takes a breath* whew), is the brainchild of three of the show's stars: Charlie Day, Glen Howerton, and Rob McElhenney. McElhenney, frustrated with the life of a struggling actor in LA, wrote the script for the pilot with his co-stars/producers, and it was picked up on a provisional basis by FX Networks. The show follows four friends that co-own and operate a bar in (you guessed it) Philadelphia. This season, Danny DeVito has joined the cast as Dennis (Howerton) and Dee's (Kaitlin Olson) estranged, but wealthy and recently separated father. Comedic genius ensues.

Critics have been making Seinfeld comparisons. I think these are spot-on. This show is about nothing at all. Each episode has nothing to do with the last, and with the exception of a few recurring characters (like the waitress that Charlie has a crush on, and that everyone else loves to use to make him miserable), there's no real plot development. One critic even said that Sunny is "like Seinfeld on crack." Well, one of tonight's episodes actually involved two of the characters becoming addicted to crack in an effort to file for welfare benefits. You feel like you really shouldn't laugh at the situation, but you can't not. I would think it would be fun to be friends with these people, if I weren't 100% sure that they would all take advantage of me on a daily basis. My only consolation would be that I am actually smarter than all of them.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia airs this summer on FX, Thursdays at 10pm EST/9pm CST. Check it out.

Rowan Williams: Archbishop, Druid, Trying to Keep this Boat Afloat

The Most Rev. and Rt. Hon. Dr. Rowan Williams is the 104th Archbishop of Canterbury; Primate of the Church of England and leader of the world-wide Anglican Communion. He is pictured below with the Rev. Robert Willis, the Dean of Canterbury Cathedral, taking his oath in 2003 on the ancient Canterbury Gospels. Did he realize what he was getting himself into when he took that oath?

Williams was recently removed from my list of people that should be ashamed of themselves. I was originally going to post this list as today's entry, but having just come from church and hearing a wonderful sermon about mutual dependence and not being stingy with love (IV Pentecost), I shall save it for later. With all of the shenanigans that have gone down the past week in the aftermath of General Convention 2006, I have been very upset with various leaders of our Anglican Communion, and within our Episcopal Church in the USA. The ABC was on my list when I read the news reports that proclaimed that he had decided to relegate churches like the Episcopal Church to second-class citizen status in the Communion. His actual statement was a little more nuanced than that, and I appreciated its honesty, sensitivity, and theological consciousness.

I invite you to read the text version of Rowan Williams' "Reflection" on being Anglican today here. There is also a link to an audio version in the Archbishop's own voice on that same ACNS page.

Photo: James Rosenthal/Anglican World

Father we pray for your holy catholic Church;
That we all may be one.

Grant that every member of the Church may truly and humbly serve you;
That your Name may be glorified by all people.

We pray for all bishops, priests and deacons;
That they may be faithful ministers of your Word and Sacraments.