In honor of the Swine Flu not-yet-an-epidemic, I thought I'd bring you a Know Your Current Events for all the weird animal news of the past few days.
First of all, to all of you that are worried about your bacon at breakfast and your pork chops at dinner:
You cannot get Swine Flu from eating pork! It is a respiratory illness, NOT a gastro-intestinal one. Dumbasses.
Ok, moving on to more important matters...
First up, South Korean scientists have, through the miracle of cloning, created glow-in-the-dark puppies. NO. FREAKIN'. WAY. What kind of deposit to I have to put down on the next litter of Ruppies?! It's like having your very own superhero dog. "Oh, it's so dark and scary. Who will help us?" I know... my FREAKIN' glow-in-the-freakin'-dark DOG, that's who!! The scientist that made this amazing breakthrough said, "What's significant in this work is not the dogs expressing red colors but that we planted genes into them." No, what's significant is that you got a freakin' dog to glow without the aid of nuclear waste!! Finally, someone using their powers for awesome! I hope it's not like those glow stick things you get at the fair, though. Where the glow from the chemicals starts to wear off, and you have to put them in the freezer to keep them glowing for longer. Somehow, I don't think the dogs would last too long in the freezer.
Lots of dog-related stories this week, including one in which a couple's Chihuahua was picked up by a tornado and dropped off over a mile away (that's approximately 15 leagues for us normal-sized human beings).
::Takes off glasses, pinches bridge of nose.:: Where to begin?
First of all, if you had bothered to get a real dog, this never would have been an issue. C'mon... a Chihuahua? You don't even live in a city!! There are no space constraints. If your pissant dog can get picked up by a strong gust of wind and hurled into the woods, you have plenty of room for a medium to large dog! Second, what the crap kind of "display" were you erecting* that was so important it couldn't wait until after the tornado-inducing STORM. I get that tornados are unpredictable; they used to blow past my house all the time. But you're pretty much aware there's a storm coming before it gets to the tornado stage. Take your damned "dog" inside! Finally... a pet psychic? Really? You couldn't just put up flyers like everyone else? I mean, I'm glad the woman and her husband *cough... whipped... ahem* were reunited with their pup, but they could just as easily have sent their cash my way, and it would have helped them find the damn thing just as quickly. I think I just found my new get rich quick scheme...
And last, but certainly not least...
This is Mangum Rattlesnake Derby Princess Courtney Lewis, posing with the snake she just beheaded. That's right. "Miss Derby Princess'" sole duty is to behead the first rattlesnake of the festival. Now. I don't mean to be ugly. But... I think there's a reason she got chosen. I mean, what kind of beauty queen dreams of being the princess of a rattlesnake derby? And I wonder what the first runner-up is thinking. I mean, she's bound to have even odds of getting to take over the crown when Miss Derby Princess is unable to fulfill her duties, thanks to an unfortunate rattlesnake bite to the jugular. They should make a Drop Dead Gorgeous sequal: Drop Dead Gorgeous II: Snakes on a Stage, starring Kirsten Dunst and Samuel L. Jackson. Yeah... I'm calling Hollywood tomorrow. $$$
*Hey-oooooooooo
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